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Ugh, first Proper Binge (on foods I otherwise wouldn’t touch in a million years, rather than...

Fri, 24 May 2013 19:57:49 -0500

Ugh, first Proper Binge (on foods I otherwise wouldn’t touch in a million years, rather than just Too Much regular/safe food or a chew/spit bender) in the month since I started my system of seriously counting calories from bulimic behaviors to try and figure out how I keep managing to gain weight, and jesus shit I both suddenly understand why I’m fat and seriously fucking hate myself.

Basically a whole, solid day of bulimia later, I’ve definitely learned my lesson about fasting through work on Thursday — sets you up for catastrophe on Friday.

(Going to blame that, the not-eating yesterday, since that’s something I can Fix, and not tie it in to how I had an episode of leaden paralysis yesterday on top of serious self-harm urges that make me worried I’m drastically decompensating again.)

The worst thing about ~bad days is when people ask you what you did all day. Telling them you spent 16 hours eating and puking is possibly the one thing that sounds worse than 16 hours screwing around on the internet.

And my pattern of early-morning (binge-ish/)purging fruit continues, jesus. It’s fucking...

Fri, 24 May 2013 10:46:00 -0500

And my pattern of early-morning (binge-ish/)purging fruit continues, jesus. It’s fucking hilarious how screwed up my metabolism is from abusing it like this: I purge when I eat fruit, for fuck’s sake, I should be dropping weight like a stone, but nope.

But that’s likely because most of what comes up is the fiber, and lots of the sugary fruit juice goes through your digestive system really fast because it’s just liquid and gets absorbed, so you’re purging the good stuff and absorbing the bad stuff, same with fatty foods and carby foods and you are the worst person on the planet doing this to your body you think it’s making things better but you’re retaining the worst of the calories and getting rid of the healthy stuff so you’re actually making things worse just give up.

Oh hey, turns out the reason I want to kms is probably because I ran out of antidepressants a few...

Tue, 21 May 2013 12:44:12 -0500

Oh hey, turns out the reason I want to kms is probably because I ran out of antidepressants a few days ago and now I don’t have the ~spoons (aka mental and emotional and physical fortitude) to go get more because I’ve spent all day today and yesterday fighting with stressful things and b/ping watermelon.

I do not have time for a crisis now thanks, because I have a broken car to fix so I can drive 3 hours across the state before work tomorrow morning. ~~Maybe if I just throw up some more I’ll feel better for a little bit~~ no n o stop.

Please, doctor, tell me again how known complications of EDs/purging aren’t something I really...

Thu, 16 May 2013 10:28:31 -0500

Please, doctor, tell me again how known complications of EDs/purging aren’t something I really need to worry about because I’m not skinny enough. Don’t forget to minimize my issues by referring to the bulimia I confessed to you as “throwing up” instead of acknowledging it as the life-disrupting disorder it is. Thanks ever so much.

So, that was a great morning.

Made a doctor appointment to get bloodwork done, but I’m at (my parents’) home, so my...

Tue, 14 May 2013 09:50:58 -0500

Made a doctor appointment to get bloodwork done, but I’m at (my parents’) home, so my numbers are going to be screwy because I’m eating way more and exercising and purging way less than usual.

I feel like I need to force myself to use compensatory ED behaviors (because it’s not like I’m not using any ED behaviors — I’m actually binging and chew/spitting like CRAZY here because things are stressful) to make sure my bloodwork and stuff is actually reflective of my normal behavior pattern (aka purging 10 times a week and exercising and restricting and getting 90% of my calories from bingefood) and not magically normal because I’ve been eating better for a few days.

No. This is just premenstrual bullshit. You get it every month. You cannot kill yourself. You...

Sat, 11 May 2013 08:18:47 -0500

No. This is just premenstrual bullshit. You get it every month. You cannot kill yourself. You cannot even hurt yourself, because you have to wear a short skirt to a theatre thing in a week that any kind of bandages will be visible through. I don’t care that you don’t even want to go to it right now; you bought the damn dress.

(though starting to wonder if this is a crash and not PMDD — normally I would have started bleeding by now, after this many days of miserabless, yet actual period is nowhere in sight) (but saying that should curse it into starting in 3…2…1…)

I only got 3 hours of sleep, and I have to work 10+ hours both today and tomorrow when all I want to do is kill myself. (Not even “all I want to do is die”. The craziness du jour is “actually wanting to cause harm to myself”.)

My body is falling apart and I don’t have any good reasons for being miserable except stupid chemicals but I am.

Oh my god. Body, I know we’re apparently purging everything we eat today, but that was two...

Fri, 10 May 2013 17:40:29 -0500

Oh my god. Body, I know we’re apparently purging everything we eat today, but that was two dill pickles jesus stop.

agh somebody mail me some prozac so I don’t have to go to the doctor for a refill why...

Wed, 08 May 2013 13:14:50 -0500

agh somebody mail me some prozac so I don’t have to go to the doctor for a refill why can’t you buy happy pills at the drug store? :(

I’ve been skipping doses to try and make it last until I can get to the doctor, which means it’s not really working (better than cold-turkey running out, though) and we’re at Requisite Monthly Suicidal Crisis time and owwwww.

I don’t know why I am doing so badly with purging the last 2 or 3 days (PMS?), but...

Tue, 07 May 2013 10:50:55 -0500

I don’t know why I am doing so badly with purging the last 2 or 3 days (PMS?), but there’s only about a 25% chance right now that anything I eat won’t turn into a b/p session.

And it’s always so fucking ridiculous because “oh, oh well, might as well EAT ALL THE THINGS because I’m going to purge anyway” over a fucking salad, and you end up retaining more than you would have had you just held on to the salad in the first place and it’s so illogical and horrible

And I woke up this morning in chest-pain-levels of despair for no reason and didn’t want to get out of bed so I didn’t have to get on the scale because I felt fat and periods are the worst thing to ever happen to humanity

I mean why will no one just rip my uterus out when I have documented for a decade that I get dangerously, suicidally depressed for a week and a half every month when my hormones fuck up?

That bizarre moment when you decide it’s okay you slept through what was supposed to be the...

Mon, 06 May 2013 19:23:58 -0500

That bizarre moment when you decide it’s okay you slept through what was supposed to be the second half of your workout today because you might be losing weight a little bit too fast:

— who am I and what have I done with me?

I’ve switched food logging systems entirely as part of a radical overhaul of how I track (and...

Fri, 03 May 2013 12:04:47 -0500

I’ve switched food logging systems entirely as part of a radical overhaul of how I track (and account for) ED behaviors.

If anyone else uses MyFitnessPal.com, I’m SmallestGoal over there as well.

The teacher I went to talk to today was amazing. She was making tons of phone calls and is going to...

Wed, 01 May 2013 11:52:05 -0500

The teacher I went to talk to today was amazing.

She was making tons of phone calls and is going to write a letter for me and do whatever it takes to try and help me get an incomplete pushed through for last year’s classes.

And she is proud of me and thinks I’m doing awesome just for trying and am a ~super awesome recovery warrior

and yes, I’m doing tons better with my depression right now thank you Prozac,

but the only way I was able to cope with going to school and doing these stressful things is by using ALL THE ED BEHAVIORS

not that I was even ever ~recovered so much as just bulimic, but bulimic is closer to normal (looking, at least) than how I’m restricting a lot lately

and I want to keep losing weight

and I just set up this new program of calorie counting to try and curb some of my chew/spitting and binge/purging behaviors

—in hopes I would keep losing weight

but I feel like if I lose weight, teacher will think I’m not trying, or not grateful for all the work she’s doing to help me, or that there’s no point trying to help me get my school stuff together because I won’t ever be better enough to take advantage of it.

So basically,

using ED behaviors is giving me the mental strength and confidence to work on school stuff that I might as well not work on if I’m just going to throw it all away again by being too crazy.

WHAT DO.

INTERNAL CONFLICT LEVELS REACHING OVERLOAD.

smallestgoal: I was so fucking good with food all day today and it felt amazing. And then bam. ...

Wed, 01 May 2013 00:46:12 -0500

smallestgoal:

I was so fucking good with food all day today and it felt amazing.

And then bam. Panic attack, and coping with ED behaviors.

Fuck me.

My day was nice and I got a lot of things done and stuff was great! And then suddenly, right before...

Wed, 01 May 2013 00:05:03 -0500

My day was nice and I got a lot of things done and stuff was great!

And then suddenly, right before bed, I remembered I have to do Big Scary Important Talking To Teachers tomorrow morning and now I am terrified and miserable and my mind is picking out all the bad things that happened today and I want to throw up and cry and slit my wrists and take too many pills so I can’t be woken up in the morning.

anxiety is my favorite.

So, carving the shit out of my leg for the first time in like four/five months was a horrible idea...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 22:35:52 -0500

So, carving the shit out of my leg for the first time in like four/five months was a horrible idea here’s why:

I’d forgotten how much it helped
I felt super better after
Even though I had to frantically fakesuture one (tyvm patented butterfly plasters and tape technique perfected over the years) because it gapped really badly
But then the next day and next and next it hurt like a motherfucker because my thighs touch now when I walk because fat
And it’s been a week now and three of them are super infected such that I pretty much cannot walk. Like, I limp so badly that you’d think I was missing a foot or something.

The infection isn’t spreading, so I’m not going to go to the doctor or anything, but it’s made work and life and moving my leg at all pretty much excruciating.

Yes, I signed up for pain so I guess I got what I wanted? I feel like I can’t complain because I did it myself but fucking hell I did not expect it to hurt worse a week later than it did while actually cutting. (Apparently I’ve forgotten how this works.)

I was not 100% I was going to live through the last few hours but I did and that is an okay...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 07:48:24 -0500

I was not 100% I was going to live through the last few hours but I did and that is an okay victory.

(I will never not be terrified by how I can go from “vaguely anxious and more eating-disordered than usual” to “legitimate suicide risk” in a few days with zero warning.)

agh dramatically sad past few days back to binge/purging multiple times a day having freakish...

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 21:11:00 -0500

agh

dramatically sad past few days

back to binge/purging multiple times a day

having freakish numbers of dreams (which is something that only happens when brain is reacting weird to meds; I’m usually very dreamless) where I lose my job and where I’m organizing my razor blades and where oldBFF comes back into my life and I follow her around like a lovesick puppy like I used to (heartsick is a complex emotion for asleep; A++ effort, brain)

been in bed (minus the binging and purging twice) literally all day today, despite Having Plans, feeling like I’m going to cry but not actually able to

well, I guess it’s been a month. that’s right on schedule for the meds to stop working.

was just thinking again last week how I needed to take time off from work and call my family and go somewhere or do something or travel while I still could; while I was still okay and capable of enjoying things.

too late.

fuck, I don’t want to do this again. I wish I hadn’t felt better for a little while because that makes getting bad again so much worse.

Roommate has friends over. Trying my hardest to resist the urge to hide in my bedroom closet so...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 21:29:23 -0500

Roommate has friends over. Trying my hardest to resist the urge to hide in my bedroom closet so there will be two doors between me and them. (Why do I feel so unsafe?)

I feel paralyzed. I can 100% tell this is medication-side-effect anxiety, but it doesn’t make...

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 10:23:17 -0500

I feel paralyzed. I can 100% tell this is medication-side-effect anxiety, but it doesn’t make it any easier to get out of bed. I’m teetering on the edge of dissociating as it is; I wish I’d either tip over or come back to myself because this in-between makes me feel ill and scared.

I hate how I can just wake up crazy.

Self-soothing right now by chew/spitting $20 worth of Easter candy, but I’m doing it to wind...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 13:27:16 -0500

Self-soothing right now by chew/spitting $20 worth of Easter candy, but I’m doing it to wind down from actually going to school and walking around campus and meeting with one of the teachers I need to work with, so I think I’m going to give myself this one as a job-well-done present. Hooray, you only dissociated a little bit from being on campus this time!