In other news, today was super productive at work in that I had to deliver pizzas to the hospital I used to volunteer at a couple of times, which always turns on the “This is where you’re supposed to be, this is what you’re supposed to be doing you moronic waste of air but you fucked everything up and now you’re working a minimum wage, dead end job because you’re too scared to go back to school knowing that you’ve ruined your chances for the only life you’ve ever wanted to live” angst.
So there was much breaking out of both the emergency car scalpel and the emergency so-I-don’t-get-robbed box cutters at stoplights on the way back from the hospital deliveries and puking both times I tried to eat lunch, and the people they did rejoice. All at work, though, which belies a new and dangerous disregard for this job.
It’s an escalation all around, since self harming not at home is something we haven’t done in a few years and purging 4+ times in a day is usually reserved for days when I ~have an excuse (usually that Roommate is gone for the day, so I ought to just b/p everything to get it out of the house/out of my system while I’m alone; yes shut up I never said it was a good excuse).
I’ve been saying from the beginning that I’m going to fuck things up and burn my bridges with this job because I don’t know how to bow out when I need to, and I’m wondering if I’m pretty much watching myself lay the dynamite on said bridge from above, at this point.
Anyway, then evening was okay; had a salad and then more salad because I wanted more and I have no concept of portion sizes (because bulimia) but kept it all down because distracted by video game plays hooray!
…and then apparently my dad got in a really bad car crash on the highway and his back is really messed up and they’re still at the hospital and have been for 4 hours and nobody thought to call me and I had to find out 2 hours into it from my sister’s Facebook.
So I was shaking for a bit there because scared because I’m still The Local Medic in terms of both knowing stuff and because that’s how I show my love, by coordinating people’s medical care and making sure they don’t get screwed and understand what’s happening (gotta use that 98% of a molecular biology aka pre-med degree I went crazy and failed myself out of in literally the last class before graduation somehow, huh?) and because it being My Area plus Control Freak means holy shit it is really hard to stand being 3 hours away and getting only third hand information.
Was thinking about driving up, but until I know what’s actually going on (it’s apparently not so bad that dad couldn’t leave the hospital at one point after they’d waited for hours with nobody seeing them, but apparently isso bad that only a bit after leaving, they had to go back?) I can’t do anything and UGH ANXIETY.
Also, on a somewhat lighter note, I say I’m not going to be around until my computer gets fixed (part came today!), and suddenly get like six new followers I SEE HOW THIS WORKS FINE SEE IF I EVER COME BACK lol jk you know I can’t resist whining into the ether for long, my life makes me too sad for that.